Alternativ Escape
by Scarlet-Nin
Summary: This is pure Crack. This plays during the time where Allen broke out of the black Order Dungeon. This is just an idea that should make you laugh. I hope at least!


Alternativ Escape

„Speaking"

„ _Thoughts"_

" **Neah talking telepathic."**

Scarlet-Nin: This is pure Crack, so don´t take it serious. It was an idea that me and my friend came up with at 2 a.m. So enjoy and hopefully you get a laugh out of it. ^^

Chapter 1

Allen was eating the bowl of rice Link brought him and listened to his lecture on his eating habits. He rolled his eyes mentally, like someone who just ate sweets could lecture him.

Suddenly Allen felt a hot burning pain spread through him. He dropped his bowl and it shattered on the ground.

 **CRASH**

Link rushed over to him. "Walker?" He asked unsure. Allen´s skin tone changed to grey and he fell forward.

"M-My…food…." Allen whined while he winced in pain. Link had to stop himself from hitting Allen over the head. _"How can he worry about his food when he´s transforming into a Noah right now?! He needs to get his priorities straight!"_ Link thought while he twitched in anger.

He heard the door open and saw a guy with glasses walk in. It was probably a priest of some sorts. Link got a bad feeling about him, he didn´t know if it was the seemingly dead bodies behind the priest or his creepy Aura.

The priest stepped forward. "Don´t let him sleep!" He ordered. Link nodded and knelt down next to Allen.

He started to slap him. "Don´t!"

"Fall!" Slap.

"Asleep!" Slap.

Allen groaned in pain. "I was awake at the "Fall" !" Allen complained with sour cheeks. They were bright red from Link´s slaps.

"….."

"You aren´t even apologizing?!" Allen yelled while he pushed Link away. The priest moved near.

"I will help you." He stated. Allen scrambled back. "Nuh uh. No way." Allen retorted with a frown. The priest looked at him in question.

"Your creepy. I know when I see one. I have had to deal with enough creeps till now. So if you could please hold a safety distance, that would be great." Allen deadpanned. The Priest looked at him weirdly.

Link looked at Allen sternly. "Let him help you." Link ordered. Allen looked at him in disbelief. "You want me to get near him and let him _help_ me?! I am fine!" Allen protested with a stunned look. Link only shoot him a look.

"Well, I _would_ be fine if _some_ people didn´t throw me into a _torture dungeon_." Allen said sarcastically. Link snorted "Like _your_ room was any better." He shot back.

"Tóuche." Allen replied. The Priest was getting impatient and now stormed over.

Allen screamed. "If you get any nearer than that, somebody is going to maim you!" Allen warned seriously. The Priest looked unimpressed and got Allen in his arms. He did some weird shit and Allen started screaming.

"AHHHH! I TOLD YOU BUT YOU DIDN´T LISTEN LINK! AHHHHHHHH! I WILL HAUNT YOU IF I DIE! AHHHHHH! IS THIS HOW PREGNAT WOMAN FEEL AT BIRTH?! AAHHHHHHHH!" Allen screamed and trashed in the hold of the Priest.

Link finally understood that something wasn´t right and tried to help Allen. He interrupted the Priest with some of his seals.

"Stop!" Link demanded. Allen sighed in relief. "My hero-!" Allen began but trailed of when he saw that the Priest started killing Link. So he is still useless after all.

" _Well, at least I aren´t his target anymore, so if I am lucky, I could sneak out if I am quiet enough-!_ " Allen thought till Link screamed at him to run _. "Great, now that thing knows that I am_ still _here. Good job Link. Like it wasn´t obvious that I should run!"_ Allen hissed annoyed in his head. He heard Link scream in pain.

" _HOLY SHIT! That thing is_ really _killing him!"_ Allen thought in panic. He did the first thing that came to his mind. He activated his Innocence and threw the Priest into a wall.

Link fell to the ground.

"I had to endure him for almost half a year with _no_ _privacy_! What makes you think I will let _**you**_ kill him?! I have first dibs!" Allen hissed at the Priest. Link groaned in pain. "W-Walker, t-that´s going….into…m-my report…" Link panted.

"Do you see the light, Link? Go towards it! Go!" Allen advised him quickly. Link chocked on his blood.

Allen suddenly was thrown into a wall. **CRASH!**

Allen screamed out in pain. Then he shook his heads a few times to get that dizzy feeling away. He starred with a dropped jaw at the Priest.

" _How the fuck is he standing? He can´t be human!"_ Allen thought shocked. The Priest transformed into the weird fucked up white thing.

" _Yep, knew it."_ Allen thought. The thing walked towards Allen slowly. It smiled creepily.

"Now, My name is Aphocryphos. We are going to be one Allen Walker." It said calmly. Like it wasn´t totally weird to say such things.

Allen stumbled back. "I have a rescue team!" Allen warned. "It will get here every second. And Master always said it I should keep my distance from creeps like you." Allen declared with a nervous grin. The thing snorted and packed Allen around the neck.

"Let´s become one." It whispered. Allen made a gagging noise. "Bleh, I am the Apprentice of General Cross Marian. I am going to throw up every time I think of it! No way. Urgh, have you _heard_ of something called Mouthwash?! Seriously…" Allen complained and insulted. The things grip tightened.

Suddenly a heart shaped door appeared and somebody came through it.

"Allen!" a female voice yelled at the same time, as somebody kicked the thing away from him. Allen slide down the wall as he was hugged.

" _That…..was the_ creepiest _and_ weirdest _shit that happened in my_ life _till now. And_ that _´s saying a lot."_ Allen thought freaked out. It was Road who hugged him and Tyki who was now battling that thing.

"Get it together Allen!" Road demanded while she hugged him tighter. Allen snapped out of it. "Okay, you two weren´t the rescue team I spoke of but, oh well, you will do." Allen muttered to himself.

Road helped Allen stand up. Tyki was now pinned to the wall by that thing. The position seemed _wrong_ and ….disturbing.

"Knew that thing was perverted." Allen muttered. Tyki only glared at it. "Some help here would be great!" He yelled while he tried to push the thing of him.

Allen sighed and nodded.

"NEAHHHHH! SOMEBODY TRIED TO MOLEST ME!" Allen yelled at the top of his lungs. Everything paused and Allen suddenly wondered if the entire Order heard him. _"Are they deaf?! How could they not have heard the screaming and all?!"_ Allen cried in disbelief when he hadn´t heard an alarm.

Suddenly someone barraged through the door. " **Who was it**?!" a voice growled. Allen brightened up. He pointed at the white thing. "Neah, it did!" Allen cheered. Neah looked over the situation.

"Wow, you have a good looking face!" Neah remarked at Tyki while he tackled the thing to the ground and beat it up.

Tyki grinned. "I know. You aren´t so bad yourself." Tyki shot back. Road and Allen sighed and shook their heads.

Suddenly an Alarm went off. "We got a message that an indepent Innocence is running amok!" came the voice of Komui.

"THAT SEXUALLY MOLESTS PEOPLE!" Neah roared while he continued at beating the Innocence into the ground. He wasn´t called the Noah of Destruction for _nothing_.

It was silent.

"….and it molests people?!" Komui yelled uncertain and shocked. Allen´s eye began twitching. "You heard _**him**_ but not me?!" Allen cried in disbelief. Road petted his shoulder to comfort him.

They heard footsteps and loud gasps.

"Allen! Did you do this?!" Lenalee asked shocked when she came through the door. Allen looked offended. "NO!" He denied. So _now_ they were here?! Is everyone in this place useless?!

They all turned to Neah. Neah paused in his beating on the thing and shook his head. "Don´t look at me like that! They were already dead when I came here!" Neah defended, then he continued on the beating. The poor thing tried to crawl away, but Neah wasn´t finished with it.

"Ah ah! You were bad so I have to _**punish**_ you~!" Neah sung cheerfully while he tried to crawl the things eyes out.

"Please try to call the Millenium Earl, he has to get his fourteenth back. We don´t want mentally scared for life Exorcists just yet." Komui´s voice spoke again.


End file.
